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How Should I Maintain High School Friendships?

"Lean on me
When you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on..."

Bill Withers

Let’s start with the bad news: You won’t be able to maintain all your friendships from high-school.

 

Now the good news: You won’t be able to maintain all your friendships from high-school

 

Yes, we know. That doesn’t sound like the good news. But let us explain:

 

You might not realize this yet, but some people you will simply outgrow. For instance, in my case, some friends I had chose completely different careers: some became doctors, some moved countries, and others … well, we just simply didn’t really keep in touch.

 

I am in touch with perhaps 5% of the people I regularly met in high school. And while it took some getting used to, I know now it’s for good reason.

Last year, I visited my hometown and met some of the other 95%. And within, perhaps, the first 30 mins of meeting, I realized at this point in our lives, we barely have anything to talk about. Our reality is so different. Values also have changed — or not. And it’s difficult to relate to anything to contribute to any conversation, really.

 

The first two years after high-school I couldn’t really accept it. But some people just come and go in our lives. No reason to attach any romantic meaning to it.

 

Now for the 5% of friends that I did keep in touch with. We’ve (literally) grown up together. Some of us are on different continents. But one thing is for certain: if one of us picks up the phone and calls the other, the attitude is of being there, of helping, and trying to understand.

 

So, how do you maintain these precious friendships? Here are a few tips that have worked for me:

  1. Quality over Quantity: The frequency of communication doesn’t matter as much as the quality of it. Sure, you may not talk every day—or even every month—but when you do, make it meaningful. It’s better to have deep, thoughtful conversations occasionally than to force small talk just to keep the friendship alive.
  2. Be Intentional: Life gets busy, especially when you’re in university or starting a career. But being intentional about reaching out to your close friends matters. Schedule a call, send them a random message when you think about them, or even share something funny that reminded you of them. Make the first move. The key is showing that, despite the distance, you’re still thinking of them.
  3. Adapt to Changes: Friendships evolve. You and your friends might not be the same people you were in high school, and that’s okay. Allow the friendship to change. Maybe you’re no longer venting about homework but discussing career challenges or personal growth. By embracing these changes, you keep the friendship relevant to your current lives.
  4. Visit When You Can: If you happen to be in the same city or region, make an effort to meet up. Face-to-face time strengthens the bond in ways that calls or texts can’t. Plan trips, even if they’re short, to reconnect in person. You’ll be surprised how much easier it feels to pick up where you left off.
  5. Support Each Other’s Growth: The friends that remain in your life are likely the ones who celebrate your growth and achievements. They are the ones who push you to be your best self. Reciprocate that support. Ask about their progress, goals, and challenges, and be genuinely invested in their journeys. Genuinely is the operative word there.

It’s natural that you will lose contact with some people as time goes on, but the important ones will stick around. Friendships, especially those forged during formative years, are worth the effort. So don’t feel disheartened if the circle shrinks, because the ones who stay will be the ones that truly matter.

Lastly, remember: friendships aren’t meant to be forced. Let them flow naturally, and those who align with your growth and values will remain. The rest? Let them drift, and be grateful for the role they played in your life at a different stage. And in doing so, you’ll be able to maintain the most meaningful connections for years to come.

 

BOTAE: But of course, there are exceptions.

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